Title: Scars and Stars

Spoilers: Season 5 & 6 Spoilers

Archive: Yes, but not without permission from moi! J

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Lucy Knight stepped out of the shower and wrapped a bright yellow towel firmly around her body, tucking the corner snuggly between her breasts. She pressed her palm to the half length mirror over the white marble sink and wiped circles into the film of steam that covered the mirror. Her reflection came into view. Keeping her will power as her top priority, Lucy stared at her face and pulled on a fuzzy pink headband to keep her hair back while she washed her face. With all the internal strength she could muster, Lucy ignored the pull on her eyes, and began scrubbing at her face with foamy white facial wash. She kept her view level, not looking down for a moment.

Every day for a little over two months, Lucy would get out of the shower and do “the ritual.” “The ritual” began with stepping out of the shower naked and making a (what she fooled herself into think was accidental) turn towards the full length mirror next to the shower. There she would stop and examine the two and half inch scar on her lower abdomen, the three and a half inch scar on the side of her neck and last but not least, the ten inch scar running diagonally down her body from neck to navel. That particular step in the ritual took the longest. Sometimes Lucy lost track of time standing there in front of that mirror until her mother would yell and ask if she was okay. After a few weeks of that, Lucy had started placing a towel over the shower door so that she could cover herself before stepping out of the shower and the “ritual” could end.

But Lucy Knight soon discovered that she could not cover up her scars with a towel. And today, just as the last few weeks she inched the towel down and stared at her body with excruciating intensity. She’d purposely waited until her mother was at work before she took her shower this morning because she wanted to be able to snap out of it herself. Perhaps she would … She lightly traced her finger down the diagonal red scar until it reached the tuck of the towel against her breasts. She had just tugged the piece out and let the towel fall to the floor when she heard a sudden banging.

She cried out and bent down to retrieve the towel, wrapping herself tightly with shaking hands. Her mind clicked to a dark room filled with blood and medical instruments and the pounding strains of a terrifyingly familiar song. Breathing heavily, Lucy clicked the bathroom door open a centimeter. “Mom?” she called in a tiny, shaking voice.

She jumped when the banging started again, but then realized it wasn’t banging, it was a knocking. Someone was at her front door. This time the sound was accompanied by a male voice. “Lucy? Are you okay?”

Her eyes narrowed in thought at the muffled voice. Who was at her front door? The insane part of her mind screamed ”PAUL SEBRICKI, PAUL SEBRICKI, PAUL SEBRICKI, PAUL SEBRICKI!!!” But something inside her took over and called out. “Who is it?” in a strong, loud voice. She waited for the response.

“It’s me. John Carter. Are you okay in there?”

Lucy let out a strangled laugh. She clutched her hand to her heart, leaned against the tiled bathroom wall and started to laugh, a loud, shrill sound. Her body was shaking down to the bone. Carter. It was just Carter. Two things crossed her brain at the same time: one, she was cutting off circulation in her body by holding the towel so tightly around her, and two, that she had never told Carter what her apartment number was. She heard him call out again, and this time his voice wasn’t muffled. She could mentally picture him stepping cautiously into her apartment.

That was exactly what John Carter was doing. He had become slightly worried when Lucy hadn’t responded. He’d seen her mother on his way into the building and Barbara Knight had told him that Lucy was at home and to go on up. She had also told him which apartment number, saving him from asking the doorman. “Lucy?” he called again, taking another step into her apartment and shutting the door behind him.

Lucy was still in the bathroom, staring in horror at herself in the mirror, now for a completely different reason. Her blonde hair was wet and in tangles, her face was still lathered with soap and her body was covered with scars and a towel. Not exactly the way to greet a guest.

“I’m getting dressed,” she called. “I’ll be right out, make yourself at-“ She cut herself off by splashing her face with cold water and wiping it on a towel, yanking open the door that adjoined to her bedroom and quickly shutting and locking her bedroom door while she dressed.

“Take your time,” Carter called out and for the first time glanced around at her huge apartment. It was bright and airy just like Lucy herself. The couch and love seat were in soft colors of yellows, accented with cushy lavender pillows. The rug below his feet was a shaggy pale taupe and was littered with a few magazines and books. The coffee and end tables were made of classic pine wood and were covered with cute glass lamps, a vase fully of daisies, and more books, mostly romance novels. Bright streaks of sunlight streamed through rectangular windows covered in sunny yellow blinds.

Carter didn’t know why he’d just picked up this morning and driven to her apartment. They had agreed the other night that Lucy was to be Carter’s AA sponsor, but they hadn’t really discussed how they would go about everything. They weren’t seeing each other on a day to day basis because Lucy wasn’t working at the hospital until the Spring semester. He was so unsure about the whole thing now that he’d had time to reflect on it.

To distract himself, Carter picked up a colorful novel and studied with some amusement the alluring couple on the front cover who were locked in a heated embrace amidst a flowing waterfall.

“Hey.”

Carter turned and saw Lucy strolling into the living room, a bit breathless. “Hi,” he said and couldn’t help staring at her for a minute, the raunchy picture in his hands forgotten. She looked so pretty with her wet hair pulled back, cheeks flushed, clad in a simple pink shirt and white shorts. He jolted out of his daze and put down the book.

“Sorry, I took so long,” she started saying, but Carter cut her off.

“Hey, don’t worry, I probably should have called first. Is this a bad time?”

“Not anymore,” she said with a smirk. “What do ya think of the place?”

Carter stepped further into the room and looked around with a nod. “It’s great. Really great.”

“You’re so eloquent, Carter. Come on,” he followed her behind a low brick wall into the spacious kitchen and leaned against a small island in the middle of the room. There were even traces of Lucy in the kitchen. In the midst of all the shiny, top-of-the-line appliances and luxurious white washed oak cabinets and sea green countertops, he saw colorful magnets and bottles of mineral water, flower pots filled with flowers in the colors of summer and other subtlies that made this her home. Carter watched as she filled two glasses with lemonade and handed him one. “Here you go.”

“Thanks,” he said and slid onto a stool. “Did you decorate yourself?”

“Yup. Well, my mom got all the basic stuff and I started going shop crazy on the internet. I picked out the couches,” she said proudly, leaning over to give them an appreciative look.

Carter laughed. “You did a good job.”

“Thanks. My mom will be paying the credit card bills till the end of time, but what the heck, her daughter’s happy.”

“Here, here.” Carter raised his glass in a salute. He took a sip and put his glass down. “I know when we talked on the phone the other day, we said that we would set something up, but I just thought I’d take a chance and-“

“Carter, it’s fine. So how are you doing?”

He nodded. “Taking it one day at a time.”

Lucy inclined her head. “That’s all you can do. Right?”

“Right, indeed. I start at the hospital tomorrow.”

“And?” she prompted.

“And … I think I’m ready.”
“Liar.”

Carter nearly choked on his lemonade at her casual accusation. When she lifted a brow, he gazed at her in thought. “Okay,” he said slowly. “I hate the fact that I’m going to be basically at the same level as a med student-“ he cut off and sent her a smile. “Sorry.”

“No problem,” she grinned. “You hate it, but you have to deal with it. And you will. Are you worried about all the questions from everybody?”

“Well, the ER is not exactly gossip-free.”
“I think this goes a little beyond gossip. More like concern.”

Carter shook his head, wondering how to say what he really felt. How he’d been trying to prove something for five years to these people. The fact was that Carter was wealthy enough to live without ever working a day in his life, but he still chose a prestigious and well-paid profession. All he’d ever wanted to do was help people, he’d never thought that the job would hold such politics. His strive to be as good and respected as Dr. Benton or Dr. Greene had left a hole in his heart the last few years when he’d taken on Lucy as a med student and tried to push her to be her best. The truth was that he’d wanted her to succeed for his own selfish reasons. Keri had once said, a student is usually the mark of a good teacher. And how crushing it had been when he’d found out that his student wasn’t perfect, that he wasn’t perfect.

Lucy watched him thoughtfully. How the tables had turned. Over a year ago, she’d been his student and wanting him to help her get through her addiction to Ritalin. Now, here they were, in totally different roles. Carter was an addict and Lucy was his support, having spent over a year clean of Ritalin. The attack had had so many affects on their lives, physical scars were only a small part of it.

And now she watched Carter struggle with whatever was bothering him. She felt her heart break a little. Why did it have to be so hard?

Carter drained the rest of his lemonade and slid back on his stool. “Do you want to go for a walk or something?”

“Sure,” Lucy said, watching him closely. He suddenly reminded her of a caged tiger, one who had to get out and quick. “Just let me go put some shoes on.”

Carter’s eyes slid closed. What the hell was he doing? It wasn’t right to drag Lucy into his problems, she had her own things to deal with. The shame of it all overwhelmed him and suddenly he didn’t want to talk about it, deal with it, or even think about it. He needed to escape.

“Ready?”

Lucy’s voice interrupted his thoughts and he dragged a hand through his hair, avoiding her eyes. “Uh, look, I’m just going to go home, I think.”

Lucy watched him closely. “Really?”

“Yeah, I’m just- I’ve got a few things I want to do at home and-“ It was a lie, and they both knew it.

She nodded. “Okay.”

“Okay.” Then he sighed. “That’s not true.” he shook his head and forced himself to look her in the eye. What he saw there was concern and patience. “I can’t talk about all this right now, I don’t even know why I came here.”

There was an awkward silence.

“Do you wanna see a movie?” Lucy asked suddenly.

He looked taken aback. “Huh?”

“I feel like seeing a movie,” she said, and grabbed a newspaper that was lying on the countertop. She started to flip through and glanced up at him. “Whaddya say?”

Carter stood in the middle of Lucy’s kitchen and stared at her. In the midst of AA meetings, group therapy, dealing with returning to work, and having his Gamma breathing down his neck, the last thing on his mind would be doing something for entertainment. But as he watched Lucy flip through the paper and start to read the movie section, his mind flickered to sitting in a dark theater with a huge bucket of popcorn, with nothing on his mind except the movie stars on a big screen. And suddenly, Carter really, really wanted to go the movies.

“Okay,” he said and slid onto the stool again. “What’s playing?”

After a long, long debate on which movie to see (basically, Lucy suggested; Carter shot down) and a fight over whether to walk or drive, (Lucy wanted to walk and got her way) the two of them snuggled into seats in the middle of a movie theater with a big bucket of popcorn (Carter wanted his own, Lucy insisted they share) and sat for two hours with nothing on their minds except the big stars on the silver screen in front of them.

To Be Continued . . .

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