Title: Season Nine Episode Guide - Snarky Style

Author: Emmyjean

Author's Comments: Okay, please do not venture any further than this if you do not have a good sense of humor about the show. In this little parody, written in the attempt at burning off some steam, I am very mean to both the characters of The X-Files and a few people from ER (yes, Casca approved). I do not mean any harm to anyone, and it's all in good fun. After all, I'm still tuning in to both shows…just not faithfully anymore. By the way, "snarky" is from the Latin meaning "butthead" according to Mike Kellerman form "Homicide: Life on the Streets". J I thought it was appropriate.

 

I have some serious fic too, if you want to check it out- Between the Lines: A Fanfic Archive

 

SEASON 9 EPISODE GUIDE

"The Ratings are Out There"

Episode 1

Scully realizes Mulder's missing as Doggett and Reyes clean out the X-Files office and set up their own crap. They find a love letter from someone named "Mulder" to Scully, but can't remember who he is and throw it away. Then they forget about it because the writers can't remember why they put it there in the first place.

Episode 2

Scully cries. Doggett and Reyes are forced to hire a babysitter to watch William, as Scully is way too overcome with grief to do that for herself…and they end up hiring Lucy Lawless, who suddenly appeared in the sky, flying in holding on to a huge black umbrella. They think about making an x-file about this, but they have forgotten what an "x-file" is.

Episode 3

Scully cries. Doggett tries to convince her to get up out of bed, but she is unresponsive except to say, "I'm fine" and toss water in his face repeatedly. William cries because Reyes' cigarette smoke burns his eyes. Lucy Lawless starts to beat her up Xena-style, but Reyes manages to calm her down by making whale noises in between kicks to the stomach.

Episode 4

Scully is starting to forget all about Mulder, and manages to get out of bed and eat some soup. Then she remembers that she has a baby. Doggett has a fistfight with Kersh, and Reyes has a smoke outside the Hoover building with CGB Spender.

Episode 5

Doggett and Reyes remember that they actually WORK at the FBI, and begin to look at cases. While they investigate a case about a pair of murderous white shorts in Orlando, Florida (inside joke), Scully sells Mulder's apartment, then cries.

Episode 6

Scully can't remember Mulder's first name anymore, and Doggett is glad she's moving on. Reyes is secretly in love with Lucy Lawless, and Cary Elwes comes in and tries to take Scully on a date. Scully accepts…then remembers that she has a baby.

Episode 7

Scully panics and starts crying because she can't remember who the father of her baby is. Doggett soothes her, only to get punched by Cary Elwes. Lucy kicks Cary in the face, and Reyes falls out of love with her because of it. She realizes that it would be too controversial for her to become a lesbian, and besides, it would mean that they could never come out with the revelation that she is pregnant with Doggett's kid in a ratings jam. So, she starts sleeping with men.

Episode 8

Everyone tries to remember the point of this show, but fails. Reyes smokes. Scully cries. Then they all dance the shag, and Reyes wins the contest. Scully is jealous, and cries. She mumbles, "Mulder", but can't remember what it means.

Episode 9

Skinner gets mad because he hasn't been in the show all year. He quits the FBI, muttering something about "going David's way", and becomes a new doctor on ER. His first action is being struck dumb by Abby's (Maura Tierny) otherworldly, radiant, staggering beauty...apparently going the route of every other male character on ER. Then her crazy mother (Sally Field) knocks out his two front teeth, and the spell is broken…Dr. Skinner fires Abby, takes Anthony Edwards' place as the wise bald man on the show, and they all live happily ever after.

Episode 10

They all decide that they've done enough work for the season, and decide to make this the season finale. Mulder comes back, but Scully doesn't remember him, and she is happily dating Cary Elwes. Reyes has died of lung cancer, and Doggett finally remembers that Lucy Lawless is actually his ex-wife. They get remarried. No one knows where the baby went…he disappeared mid-season because he was an inconvenient plot point. Mulder, in a jealous rage, shoots Cary Elwes, who goes on to begin a relationship with Diana Fowley in hell. Scully arrests Mulder, slapping the cuffs on him…and Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" starts playing out of nowhere. Scully and Mulder look at each other…and…

To be continued in the Feature Film due out in 2016.

Meanwhile, FOX has renewed the X-Files contract because more than four people tuned in every week, and next season features an all new cast including Maura Tierny as Agent Ima Poutass.

 

Alright- please don't A) hunt me down and kill me, or B) write me mean letters about this. Like I said at the beginning, it was mean. I told you to read at your own risk. But, if you laughed, then I did my job. J

If you liked it, let me know:

emmyjeanb@yahoo.com